I am out of balance. I am frustrated. I am unhappy at points throughout the day.
When I went away to Wisconsin I was revitalized and rejuvenated. I swam in clean and cold bodies of water daily. I exercised and stretched. I walked slowly to where I needed to go. I prioritized eating. I took midday naps. I observed my simple surroundings. I was not overwhelmed with work. I had gained some balance back into my life. It felt really good.
I’ve been back in Orlando for just under three weeks and I’ve lost so much of that already.
I am constantly busy, feeling like I should always be trying to complete a task.
The tiny house is incomplete, and there’s always something for me to work on.
The gardens got out of control with weeds while I was gone, and they are all in need of maintenance and planting for the fall season.
There’s plenty of work for me to do on the computer as well.
I have too many projects to be able to live a slow and balanced life, and complete them all.
This results in me prioritizing productivity over living with a deeper level of health and happiness.
I don’t sleep that well in the tiny house. I don’t know if it’s the light pollution, the sky is always bright at night. I don’t know if it’s my buzzing mind, thinking of everything I want to do. I don’t know if it’s the constant noises- the airplanes and helicopters, the cars and motorcycles on the busy road nearby, the garbage trucks, recycle trucks, and street cleaners, the lawn mowers and leaf blowers, the list of disturbing noises goes on. By day I often have to flee my quiet abode because of overpowering lawn mowing nearby. Peace is hard to find in this city.
I avoid buying new items, so that often means I go months waiting to find something I need used. I finally found a comfortable pillow at a yard sale, which I haven’t had for around five months. I need a doormat to get the dirt of my constantly soil covered feet before entering my house, but I can’t find one. I don’t live very near any secondhand stores. Life would be easier in a sense if I cared less about how my actions affect the world.
I’m not making three healthy meals per day, too busy at work.
I swim in the lake, but it’s 87 degrees, which is the temperature at which the brain eating amoebas can breed. It’s not as relaxing knowing I could die that same day if one gets into my brain. There are no gators in the lake I swim in, but I still think of them as I float and stare up at the sky.
I am not in love with Orlando. There is no ocean, and there are minimal clean bodies of water that I can easily reach.
I am haunted by the injustice and inequality in the world. Right now, I’m mostly haunted by knowing that women are being abused and raped by men, and our justice system rarely does the women right. Men get away with atrocities far more often than they are held accountable. Our justice system is failing.
I try so hard to make a difference, but I have only come so far. I am discouraged by how much energy goes into shallow and meaningless content and how much more challenging it is to get meaningful and purposeful messages to spread.
I spend too much time on the computer and not enough time totally disconnected and present.
I don’t spend enough time in nature, where my soul belongs, but rarely goes deep into.
I am lacking in human physical connection. I feel lonely sometimes. Since Cheryl and I ended our partnership, I’ve had very minimal physical touch. I’m not just talking about sex, but even just platonic hugs and holding.
Life is a struggle. Life on Earth is a struggle. Human life will always be a struggle. This I am certain of. Knowing that all of us are going through the struggle of life together helps me to get by.
I acknowledge that my daily struggle is less than a majority in the world, and that I live a privileged life. I have a lot to be thankful for.
I do appreciate the sadness and the struggle. It provides the perspective that makes my happiness with life even greater.
I feel vulnerable writing this post, and part of me doesn’t want to click “submit.” But I know that it’s better to express than to hold things in. And I know that what I’m feeling is likely the majority. Staying positive on social media is preferred because then people won’t feel bad for you. I don’t like the feeling of others feeling bad for me at all, so I avoid sharing these sorts of feelings. But I think we need to be honest with each other, otherwise we face living in delusion.
I’m not looking for sympathy, or even asking you to cheer me up. I am sharing this just to share with you and also to let you know that I struggle too. Putting my feelings out into the world helps me as well.
I want you to know that I am here struggling with you. And let you know that the people around you are all probably struggling too. If you think it would serve you well, I encourage you to let your guard down.
I have a lot to feel good about. And I feel a lot of happiness. But I acknowledge and embrace the dark side of life.
I hold a large amount of love in my heart for each and every one of you reading this.
I love you.